02: Rewrite Your Story with Marisa Peer
[00:00:00] No, when we know that we’re enough, it’s one of a, we feel not enough. We need so much more. We sit empty. And so there’s so much you can do just having your kids pictures and having I’m enough from the fridge, having your kids say it every day, it’s it strengthens. And it, so these were also in found, honestly, because when you go them.
I’m not really a rock star because I’m sharing an apartment with three other guys. We have,
it’s true that the mind lets it in. It doesn’t argue with it. It just sweats. And we should all, especially if you have children not on snap and say everyday,
Hi there. Welcome to the field better now, podcast. I’m your host, Jackie [00:01:00] Balca. And if you’ve arrived here, no, there is something in here to spark yourself to create a bit of future in your health, in your. In your relationships, both yourself. And for those around you, just one small action step at a time with so much love and gratitude to be your guide.
Let’s get started,
Jackie. How can we use online experiences to shape our destiny and have the massive impact and fulfillment? We are also desperately craving. You are going to love and next guest and mindset Mazda, Marisa peer. She is the creator of the, I am enough movement and her living legacy RTT rapid transformation therapy.
SO, transformational. It’s now in prisons in hospitals, in schools because we need all humans and especially our children to know that they [00:02:00] are lovable, that we are all enough. Exactly. As we are, Marissa tells a powerful story of how. Came to be the powerhouse that she is how to deal with tall poppy syndrome and comparisonitis and the dangers of the need to be perfect watch to the end because Marissa tells the phrases.
We should all be saying to ourselves as we go to bed at night and all of that, her seventh book, tell yourself a better lie. I can’t wait, but that’s to come out, enjoy this transformational interview with the Marissa Pia. She is loving. She is so kind and sweet, powerful, creative. Unapologetically. So authentic and courageous as she unleashes the power of knowing that you are enough and that you met up well, Marissa, you such a pleasure to see you in person online.
Um, I’m such a massive fan of your work. We are really privileged to have you here today. So. [00:03:00] Thank you so much for inviting me, absolutely placed us. So I say, what I love about you is that you already have this living legacy and, you know, in your amazing programs are in the hands of prisons and schools and everything I teach is about, I wish I wish the children learnt this at school.
So, you know, kudos to all of that. Amazing. Work that you have contributed to the world. So tell me, did you just pop out of the womb like that? Or how did you build this courage and kindness and resilience,
um, to get things done and really believe in yourself? Well, you know, I know I said it didn’t pop out in the room.
Legend was confidence. I think it will babies up on competent and it’s very easy for it to be diminished. So my mother always told me I was the wrong baby and she was.
Uh, with my father’s best friend, he was Indian and she really wanted a piece of him, said when I was born, she turned her face. When she cried, I tried for two years and she prayed for one [00:04:00] because I was the wrong baby.
But, you know, even then I, I understood something, like tell all my client. That was my mother’s story. It wasn’t my story. And you have to decide what your story is. So I came from an interesting family of very beautiful, highly strong, very unhappy mom who was unfulfilled. And then I have my cats come to join in.
And then I had,
um, a really academic, very kind dad who was an amazing guy, but so I’m happily married. And I had a brother who was a smart brother who went to private school. Then I had a little sister who was really cute, pretty little baby. And I just felt like this thing in the middle of this hideous.
I was like tall and ganglia had really long legs, which wasn’t great. And it’s great when you’re older and my dad was mine head teacher. You can imagine what that was like going to school. So I think I felt like a massive freak and, but I was very lucky. I had a grandmother who really believed in me, that [00:05:00] was my one saving grace.
My grandmother always told me I was a genius and I felt very ugly and kind of stupid. But I had her. And I think I realized that if you have one person to believe in you it’s as good as having a hundred, because she really believed in me. And I think as I grew up, I realized that, you know, my dad was such an amazing person who is rescuing kids coming from dysfunctional homes and helping them out and kids would turn up at our house with tears and it was went out with.
Hockey, it would have Kleenex because he was very good at helping other people. So it needs to say to me, you know, helping other people is what life is all about, but he didn’t tell me that he showed it me. So I grew up and something interesting happened to me. I would watch my parents have terrible thoughts.
My mother would. lie on the floor and cry all night. And my father would pick up his briefcase and go to work. And I remember thinking, that’s what you do when your [00:06:00] relationship goes wrong. There was never any, it was pretty much when you better have a great job because it great job suits you and you don’t feel as much pain.
And so I was new. I had to have a job. It was engrossing and fulfilling. Cause my father loved being a head teacher. And so I thought, well, I’ll be a teacher to. And then I thought maybe I’ll be a child psychologist. And then I realized that the best thing I could be was a hit in a therapist because it’s so effective.
And so I began my journey of being a hidden therapist and my dad was right. Helping people, making a difference really is what life’s all about. When it, when I was younger, he said to me, you know, when you a head teacher. You have to imagine everyday that every child has tattooed on their head, please make me feel important.
And that was his motto. Go through life. Believing your job is to make every child. He used to have chips he’s coming to his school and he was the only person who. Get through to them because he made [00:07:00] every child feel hugely important, massively significant, absolutely fascinating. And I do that with my implants.
I make every, I’m fascinated with every client story. I’m interested in every client story. And I think, you know, my dad really showed me rather than telling me that that’s what makes life worthwhile helping people. And he was right. I completely agree. I,
uh, I had never heard that story before about your father and the teaching and the sign on their head.
How true is it? I mean, and you know, you’ve made such a, I love that you talked about hypnotherapy and making a difference so quickly, and I love how you talk about I I’m impatient. So I like massive results really quickly. Tell me more about how you. Yeah. How has it been in patient? And, you know, when I was paying to be a therapist, my very eminent teacher said to me, you know, the human mind is very complicated.
It takes a [00:08:00] lifetime to understand, and then a second lifetime to put into place. What you’ve understood, what I’m thinking. How could that be? The units of the, Hey, just about to put you on the plan, you’re going to have this amazing genius brain we’re taking 90 years to crack it. And just as you crack it, then the drop dead.
So you didn’t have a second lifetime unless you believe in reincarnation, but also remember Einstein saying simplify, simplify, since I think, well, you know what therapy isn’t difficult. It might not be easy, but it’s certainly not hard because actually the mind isn’t complicated. It’s very straightforward.
It does what it thinks we wanted to do. We go, oh, if I get those again, will kill me. If I have another client like that. Jump off of a bridge online things like, oh, you don’t want another relationship. You don’t want to go to that place called work. It’s killing you. So we’re going to be very clear how we dialogue with ourselves.
The mind listens to our words and acts on them. It does [00:09:00] what it thinks we wanted to do. Now, when you go and love cake, oh, I love pizza. Ice cream is my best friend to push it, to turn to it in a bad moment. It also really loves what is familiar. It doesn’t like what’s unfamiliar, but you can make anything familiar.
And it responds constantly to the pictures and words you put in your head. And if you know those three things that your mind you you’re easy to ever know anything else. I think that is so true. And I think of the mind, the subconscious mind as a computer, always, as you say, downloading and observing and not knowing whether something is healthy or unhealthy for you as in a healthy belief or an unproductive belief.
And I’m fascinated Marisa by. Say two children. I have two children, one seven one’s 10, and they’re both from the same parents and they’re both completely different. It’s like they’re being brought into this world with a different set of beliefs. You know, [00:10:00] one is the world is a friendly place. The other one is more tender towards the world is an unfriendly place.
Can you talk a little bit about our children and how our children can be different, even from the. Even if you have identical twins, they’re different. And fact, every parent brings up each chance, slightly different. You might say no, no I do. But even identical twins try slightly differently, but of course you can’t replicate anyone pointed having different germs.
If they’re the same, why. They’re supposed to be different and also totally doing the, my daughter. I mean, I love her dearly, but she’s so different to me. She’s messy on tidy. She very,
um, I’m very patient. She probably isn’t, but you know, we have a great relationship, but it’s a bit of a fallacy that my kids will be like me and share my interest and they’d be like each other.
Because they’re more of their own set of genes, their incentive DNA. It’s like that classic [00:11:00] story about somebody who went to jail and he had two sons and one big case, it says, well, how could I be anything else with a father like that? So it isn’t even how you bring them up. It’s, it’s how they perceive the world.
You know, my sister and I, and my brother are entirely different.
Um, we, we’re just not the same at all, but we shouldn’t be the same because the universe makes us all unique and you have that nature nurture thing, but, um, we’re all so, so different. So I always feel very sad. For born from famous people who go like Frank Sinatra.
So we tried to sing, they’ll say, wow, you’re not like your dad and Julian led and wholistic. Who’s going to just go, oh my God, I can’t get over your dad dying. He’s like, it’s my fricking dad. I can’t even mourn for my dad because everyone started saying how much they loved him, how they said devastated.
And I’m so sorry for children of celebrities to try to go in the same line of business because. [00:12:00] You’ll forever compared to them like Judy Garland’s period’s Frank Sinatra’s goods, Bing Crosby’s kids, because you will never be like them. And that can be really hard, but your kids are supposed to be different and you have to celebrate the difference.
Don’t try to meet with. I have to celebrate how different my daughter is to me, because if she was likely, that would be really boring, who wants to go out with themselves, get Burton themselves. It’s the difference that makes them fast is that we don’t pick friends or exactly like house. We pick friends are often nothing like us, because the difference is a wonderful thing.
Absolutely. I think,
um, it’s interesting though, if I look. Um, you know, my ten-year-old my son and how to, how to. Help him. Uh, so he’s, you know, coming into this world and he deeply, deeply cares what other people think of him [00:13:00] and my daughter. She’s just completely different. You know, she, yeah, she, she, she just goes around basically saying I’m perfect exactly the way I am.
Uh, but you know, he recently he copied his best friend. He asked is this fan. I love your shoes. Can I buy the same pair of Nike? And so he was so excited. He saved up all his money and he bought this pair of shoes. Exactly the same as his best friend turned up at school. And all day he got told he was a copycat and how silly he was.
And so he’s come home devastated about this pair of shoes and he’s cleaned them all up, did this by himself. I didn’t even know. And he said, I’d like to return this pair of shoes. I just, I can’t, I’m not a copycat. I. I mean, you know, it makes me so sad, even just thinking about it, how can we help our children, the generation of the future and your daughter?
Is that right? Yes. Okay. Well, you know, what are the things we have to help our children do is to [00:14:00] understand the most important words. Otherwise they say to themselves, so they might’ve been, would come home from school. I asked a questions and she go, oh, mommy. This person didn’t like me or this teacher, didn’t like my work.
And I say, darling, do you like you to come in in a little summer dress with moon ski boots? What do you think? So I think you look amazing. What do you think? So with children, when they say, do you like my drawing? Do you like my hair? Do you like what I put on? Always say, what do you like it, the most important thing is if you like it and we have to teach our children very quickly.
To praise themselves. So when they do a drawing, you say, I like it. Cause I saw you really enjoy doing that. I still have much, he loved doing the drawing and I love the fact that you’re not throwing. I lost the fact that you love math. I love the fact that you’re good at singing or dancing or running. We have to teach them very early to be their own cheerleader.
I’ve [00:15:00] just put a program that went into 500 schools this week and it’s called,
um, Thank you. I can’t, I can, it’s all about how to install your own cheerleader, that cheers for you, even when you’re losing. Cause that’s what a cheerleader does. And all these schools are actually drawing the cheerleader and we’re going to give a prize to the one that you liked the very most, but we have to teach our children because here’s the thing.
When you say to someone else, could you like me? Could you praise me? Could you be my friend? Could you tell me on course? They can, but then he leave, you know, my daughter’s best friend returned to Australia. She was devastated. I remember we went to Ikea and she put a little note on the Christmas tree and I put back and read.
It said, all I want for Christmas is to my friend, Chloe, not to go to Australia. And that was so sad for her because when you give someone else a job, Chloe makes me happy. If people at school liked me, I’m going to, my teacher praises me on. Okay. But, but then [00:16:00] when they don’t, you’re not okay. You really have to teach children.
Praise yourself. There is nothing on the planet that will boost yourself esteem like self praise, nothing. I think it was phrased as quite we think. What do you want? What’s your agenda? What are you trying to get from me when you can praise yourself? When your kid go, Hey, I did the good thing today. I was timed.
I was nice. I said to my daughter, what did you do today? That was amazing. So as you say, oh, I lent somebody, my crayons, I gave my friend my,
um, granola bar lunchtime, cause they looked at it and they said they never had those in their house. Um, I gave my friend, my granola bar because to her mommy doesn’t let her eat sugar.
I go, that’s great. Sometimes she wouldn’t know. So I’d have to think of something. When you kids come in from school, ask them, what did you do today? That was amazing. What do you do today? That was pre. One of my friends had a little job. And her son had to say something nice about herself every [00:17:00] day for a quarter in the jar.
Has you go, oh mom, I’m not going to do that. It’s really stupid. She doesn’t know what’s the deal every day, say one nice thing about himself. And eventually said, wow, mom, look at all the quarters. You have, look at all the nice things you’ve said about yourself. You know, you can spend that any time. It was supposed to be a quarter.
You could put paperclips and if you want to, but it’s really good for our children to learn. They have the power to build up their own self esteem because you know, we’re all about giving our kids organic food and making sure there’s no Wi-Fi in the bedroom and teaching them that strain to danger. But actually as a parent, you will succeed to the level in your kid has high self esteem.
If they haven’t gone to it, unfortunately. You haven’t quite succeeded that’s it doesn’t mean anything wrong with you, but your job is to give your periods really high, which is not [00:18:00] arrogance is nothing like arrogance and how you do it is you get them to say, I’m really good at this. This is my gift. You know, I was wasn’t a little kid the other day.
He was. I’m really good at it, but I know that it gains us. You know what darling, you know, supposed to be good at everything. Imagine if you were good at everything, you’d never go to a restaurant. You’d never go shopping. Cause you could make your own clothes, put your own food. You’d never have a gardener come in.
You’d never have a contractor who’s you could do everything. And then nobody would get employed. If we were all good, everything, the world would be a funny place and you’re only supposed to be good at one thing. And your thing is it. Someone else’s good at cooking. And shortly after I worked with him, I was actually doing a tour, a hundred precious.
So I knew and said, Hey, how can I make my kid go to everything I said to you? He said, what sort of you put everything? I said, well, then you can’t let your kid go to everything. Why would you even say that you’ll not put. No [00:19:00] kid can be good at everything. And if they are, that’s a horrible thing because they didn’t have friends.
No one likes them. I’m in the big, at my daughter’s school. They’d have prizes given the same girl, she was an amazing, it went up every year. She got every prize. Oh, I mean, they didn’t even bother trying anymore because in school and as a parent, You should reward effort, not achievement. Some kids are so gifted.
They sit down and draw a picture. They write an essay, takes them half an hour. It’s amazing. I’m a kid spent three hours trying to make it so good, but it was so much effort. And then they don’t get the prize and it’s wrong if your kid is trying to do something, even if it’s actually the dishwasher and they chip a plate, you still got to reward the effort, not the achievement.
Absolutely. Yeah. You know, but do you think things have changed generationally? I was talking to my parents this morning and they said, oh, on the news.
Um, parenting’s changed. And, uh, we, we [00:20:00] got it wrong. Like we were really crappy. And they said, you know, do you know what parenting style you are? Are you a tiger or are you a helicopter?
And I was like, hang on a second. You just told me that you thought that you were really crappy parents. And what I remember about you is, you know, daddy, I remember you at my netball game and we had an Anzac cookie and we went shopping, you know, together before the game. And I remember kicking the Sharon in the park opposite our house.
These are the memory. And I remember you were the only one that picked us up from the nightclub rolling around in the backseat. We were the only one. And that’s because you made me feel safe and your, your, your,
um, self-assessment of your parenting is that you got it all wrong. You were really crap. And he said, well, I’m just reflecting on like the new research that’s come out on parenting.
And I got it all wrong. I mean, how do you respond to that? Well, I think as a parent is impossible to get it. All right. I don’t think any parent go ahead, got everything right. You can not get it right. [00:21:00] You get so much wrong. Me, you know, I spent weeks trying to work out which school to send my child. I don’t want to go there.
I mean, I agonize that, which school to take my daughter to and. As it happened, she really loved that. So it went bankrupt to two years, have to start all over again, but I don’t think you can ever get it. Right. You know, you spend ages there, love this. And I tell my daughter, now, if I want to buy her clothes, if I don’t like it, I know she’ll love it.
And that’s how I should be shopping for wedding dress. And I had to really not go, oh my God, I love that. You won’t like it. What do you think? Just this is my one. I said, yeah, I love it too. But. You can’t get it right there. Isn’t a parent in the world that says, Hey, I’ve got a degree in being a parent, even parents who are trained, child psychologists, get it wrong.
And their kids go well. They weren’t like that. Even in a Blyton’s period said she was a monster. [00:22:00] So even roll dough. I mean, his, his four children were all very different. He was an amazing guy. Great fun, but apparently a terrible husband, better father, but he had favorites and you know, his children would say that he always had a favorite and the favorite was the one that died.
And so even when you understand children, you can’t get it right, because. You are a fluid person. I’m a float person. I raised four person and married a flawed person, and we have a beautiful, flawed relationship. And that’s the best it can ever be because people would try to be perfect. Are the unhappiest people.
They’re also the loneliest because nobody likes that you have to go yet. You know?
Um, I’d say somewhat, I’m sorry, you didn’t get exactly the mother you wanted, but you know, I remember years ago being at my daughter’s school. And one of the mothers came and went, oh my God, my daughter loves you. Cause I just taken her.
And her friends is the X-Factor and my daughter, because my daughter says, [00:23:00] oh, Stephanie’s mom is so much better than you. She’s always cooking. She makes PAKEs every night. And you know, she’s a proper mum. She’s always baking. They have rabbits and Guinea pigs running around the kitchen. They got. As well.
Yeah, you don’t have that, but you got to wear my clothes because without being mean, I remember when he made capes every night, it was quite fat. I guess. That’s what happens. We make cakes every single night, lovely person. And I said, but you got to wear my clothes and you get to go to X fact because I’ve got all these famous clients goes, well, I don’t want that.
I want you to make cakes. I have rabbits running around the kitchen. So then I met Stephanie’s management. Oh my God. My daughter loves this. Well, my daughter loves, used be like, Phaedra’s mum. She’s so cool. She wears her mom’s leather trousers. But as it were, my daughter says, why couldn’t you be like your mum?
Because you’re always baking and you have rabbits and Guinea pigs running around the house. So whatever you do, someone else will be better. You know? And I, as a [00:24:00] kid, my parents worked hard to buy this house, looking at a white pickup. But my friends lived in what we call a council house on an estate. You notice a tower block and they were all in and out.
Can we sell this house and live on a council estate? I loved that because it had a real sense of community. One of my cousins, they sit, their parents worked really hard to save up and leave this council. So could we move. I’d love to live in a council flat. I don’t know what you call it in Australia. I guess you would call it welfare housing, because I just love the fact that they, they seem to eat chips every Friday night and hang out together and be in and out of each other’s houses.
Whereas my parents don’t put that on the table. Don’t put that there. Don’t put the butter out unless it’s in the butter, the milk must be in the milk. And I love this the He-Man life where nobody can, oh, my grievous. It’s so true. Isn’t it? That, I [00:25:00] mean,
um, it’s interesting about the someone’s. Someone always wants to be a better parent.
um, my kids have their Christmas. As award ceremony at school this week, and my daughter has to be dressed as an angel. So I went to buy her an angel costume and they’d run out of it, sold out of angel wings. And so the staff member said, oh, well, it’s easy. You can just get a, a coat hanger, a wire coat hanger, and you just get tinsel and you just make the wings.
I was like, okay. So maybe for another mom,
uh, she could make those meetings, but that is not my area of expertise. And that is not something that I would do. So anyway, we went and got some unicorn wings and all was well, but it’s, so you get that all the time. Don’t you? And I always wonder, like how to, how to, um, you know, in Australia, I don’t know if it’s as prominent over there, but there’s a lot of like sarcasm and, um, you know, kind of like, I suppose, tall poppy syndrome and.
How do we,
um, help our two children, [00:26:00] you know, ignore that or, you know, not let that in. Yeah. You know, as my daughter, when she was five, she was very athletic and it was a school sports day and she was winning every race. And I could hear when I was going a lot, her again, and I could see that I didn’t like it.
Just say the line and went, oh, she’s got a foot over the line to do a win again. She was actually, she wasn’t five, she was four. And then she won a lot and she got a badge and it said, second. Sports as in a school. And I said, baby, that’s amazing. She went, mommy. Some of the children are only forcing and I’m five.
And I said, no, don’t do that. Don’t ever diminish what you, you are second in the whole school because yes, you’re five and some kids, some kids to 10 and you still came second in the whole school. So when you see your child going well, That was just like, and I saw that with my niece who was such a gifted tennis player.
Oh, that was just luck. [00:27:00] That was just a fluke there’s some of you better knew that they were sick. That’s how I won the tournament. You have to say no, never diminish your gifts. This is what you’re good at. And you own that because everyone’s good at something you’re just good at that. I feel the best at sport or the best.
But then my daughter was in a school with 12 children and her plans. And then she went up to secondary school and she had nine tickets and she went, mommy. I used to be the best English and the best on the best at running. And now I’m not, I said, no, but you’re amongst the best. A big fish in that little pond.
And now it’s a bigger pond with lots of fish, but you can be one of the best in amongst the best. It’s just as good, because I think we make our kids try to be the best you win the prize. You be the top of the class. It’s tremendous pressure for them. We see a lot of kids that really are under huge pressure to be good.
And we forget that part of going to school. [00:28:00] Is loving school. You go to school to socialize your kids. When I was having my daughter, I could wish I wish you’d have a sunny nature. Cause I knew that would last her, her entire, I didn’t wish that she was academic or a genius because I just saw so many kids damaged, even, even in wish that she was beautiful.
I wish we would have a really happy disposition and a sunny nature. Because that’s worth more than anything you just get through life when you’re happy and sunny and learn to cope with stuff better. Yeah. I think we have to always teach our kids again. Don’t diminish yourself. You know, when I was saying earlier that the mind loves what is familiar.
And he wants to run to what it knows and run away from what it doesn’t know if you were ever in a house without praise and was out to stop drawing attention to yourself. No, one’s listening to you stop showing off. They don’t brag about getting that good mark. Cause you know, that’s not fair to [00:29:00] your brother or your sister or play that down because you know, you, of course this does not very bright and we don’t want her to know.
What happens to those children is praised become so unfamiliar and they get it. They reject it and add in criticism. Oh, that was just different. Oh, I don’t know how that happened. I mean, we got a teacher keeps two things, let in praise when someone says something. Nice. Good. Thank you. Thank you. But don’t let any Christmas, I want to say something mean.
I think my teacher had a pyramid today. She was so mean because occasionally I’d be like, you’re dialing I’m ready. So let me have a theory that she was very cranky because the only thing you can do as a parent is own it. We all have bad days when you, you know what darling, mommy lost it today. Mommy was not on it today.
I wasn’t crying. As a bit cranky as which shouty. I’m really sorry. I hadn’t a period. Not that we should blame it, but I loved [00:30:00] it when she said my teacher must have had a pyramid. She was very shouting. And you see when you own it. People don’t who is lovely even to kids life. Isn’t lovely. And they know when their friend is mean or they go over their boyfriend is mean, or their bosses mean that did people have bad days and they also often apologize.
um, the myth that I liked, I mean, I love Nigella Lawson and she said something I love. I’ve never wanted a happy childhood. I’ve seen people ruined by a happy child. Of my perspective was nothing can ever be as bad again. And Nigella lost her sister, her mother and her husband or Japan, so that she said my childhood wasn’t very good.
Things can only get better, but I singled with a perfect chance to go. Well, no, I had ponies and we went on holiday every year and I never worried about a bill or an exam. My mum was always baking. [00:31:00] My dad was always cameras around and piggybacks and all of a sudden it’s
like, we got to go get your own job now.
And I do make childhood can actually be a very hard thing to live up to. Like he say, my parents’ marriage is ideally, and I just can’t find anyone to replicate that with parents that were divorced twice. So it was easy for me. I wasn’t looking for perfection and I waited for someone that was absolutely right to me, but I didn’t come from an idyllic childhood, but that teaches you how to deal with real life.
That’s so interesting. Isn’t it like your, so how you interpreted your parents’ relationship and then which was, I don’t need to find someone perfect. And then finding John. And then it was interesting. Couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Bruce, lived in about the same thing and his perception. You know, he didn’t have a great father.
And so that stopped him. And so it took him until to transform [00:32:00] his,
uh, unhealthy beliefs. And at 50, he met Margaret the woman of his dreams, but it was only until he’d done that work because of the impact of his father. So it’s, so people are so fascinating perception just is everything. Yeah. Because events don’t affect you.
I mean, they do. But what really affects you about any, any event is the meaning you attached to it. You are free to change at any time. So it’s like adopted will say when I was giving away, I wasn’t loved. And that isn’t always true. The truth could be that your mother loved you so much. In fact, when I was teaching RTT, we had a girl in our class who said,
um, and she was telling her story that when she was born and her grandmother literally took her straight to a children’s home.
And handed her over and she remembers, somehow knew that story. But when we went back and we’re using hypnosis to unpick this, she actually. Realized that her grandfather was a pedophile [00:33:00] he’d molested. He he’d molested his wife before she even married him. I think she was forced to marry him because he made her pregnant and then they had a daughter and he molested her.
And then the daughter got pregnant. And when this baby was born, the grandmother, the only thing she could do is to get her away from this awful man she was stuck with. And it was a bigger sack when she took that baby straight to her children’s homes, give this baby to a lovely family. And that girl raised her family and the grounds without some true, you know, I couldn’t give you anything except give you someone that would make you safe because you would not been safe in our house.
We look at things. Oh, what was the worst thing was the best thing that was an act of love. I mean, I worked with so many men who say, I’m useless my kids better off without me. I don’t see them because I’m a dead loss,
but you know, the child doesn’t know that they think. People who kill themselves was leaving notes, saying you’re better off without me.
I’m a burden. And so it’s very hard [00:34:00] when your father has killed himself. Not to think he didn’t love me enough to stay, but some of them that do that truly believe if I’m gone, I won’t burden you you’d be better off without me. And I worked with someone whose father had killed himself as it actually moved.
As you say that. Even though I was so sick. My father was a huge burden. I was always looking after him. I was only 16 and my whole life was going round and cleaning his apartment and he was always drunk. And when he took his own life, I’m free. Now. He said, I felt very rejected, but also. Actually really glad that I, cause I couldn’t go on doing that.
That was my entire life mopping up vomit in my dad’s apartment weekend and taking all the bottles out. All my other friends were having fun and I don’t know how long I could have done that before, before it affected me. So in his case it almost was a relief. Oh my goodness. [00:35:00] Wow. That is. I’ve never heard a story like that.
Yeah. I mean, how does that, so when you, what I love about your work is that you talk a lot about these basic human needs of feeling worthy or feeling you’re enough or feeling loved and safe. How do you,
um, move your clients towards, uh, those in our way from the, um, Well, you know, when a baby’s born, they have very various simple needs.
I need to be in love. I need to be connected. I need to feel, I matter, I need you to be safe. And then when the baby becomes a little kid, they have the same views. I need to be loved. I need to be connected. Cause then I survive. I need to be saved, but I also need to be celebrated. I need you to remember my birthday, turn up at my school play.
I need to feel you’re proud of me. Maybe like this needs never go. At 60 Tuesday, I still need to feel safe and loved and connected and secure. And I need to be settling. We can have someone proudly. What happens is [00:36:00] when our needs aren’t met, when we don’t feel safe, who we don’t feel love our parents go, we should’ve never had you, or, oh, your dad was a crazy drunk.
It was a mistake. And I brought you up or on my own and you ruined my life. Or even people saying, you know, Yeah, it’s so expensive. I’m working four jobs just to maybe it was just seeing a mother crying all the time. And I have to say anything. A child thinks, oh, you’re not happy. It’s my fault. So when a child’s needs, aren’t met only two things happen.
The charter now the gift, the need up, or they give it away. The first thing is I’ve never had love. No one’s ever loved me. I’ll never find love. I’ve never had a great job. I’m not smart. I’m going to work in this store, the rest of my life. So they give up the need, never going to find love, never going to get praise.
I don’t even want it anymore. I’ve been let down so much. I’d rather be 11 when I asked for nothing. And then I’ll never be disappointed. I never asked for a promotion. I just have this small little. [00:37:00] On my own. So they give the need up or they give it away. Someone out there somewhere it’s going to have to love me and praise me.
I’m going to give them the job of meeting my need to feel safe or secure. But even when that works and you find someone, you know, stuff happens, they get sick, that things happened to them or they move on and then you’re back. Who’s going to meet my need. So with all our needs, we tend to give them up or give them away to someone else.
And what you have to do is meet and yourself. I need to feel safe and loved and secure and celebrated and proud what I get. Hey, I’m cool. I’m nice. I’m kind, I’m warm. I’m smart. I can make myself pretty safe. I can phrase my seven and go, Hey, I’m here in the world and I’m a nice person. I can celebrate myself.
I can even go, Hey, there you are. You’re amazing. You really got a good, big heart and a lovely, warm smile and you really [00:38:00] kind or interesting, whatever it is you want to hear. Do you know if someone else to joke, then you’re great because that can still make you needy when you do it yourself. When you take your in you think what are the words I wanted to hear my entire.
And will the same humanity is significant. You’re enough, you’re lovable. You’re here for a reason. When you start saying them to yourself, they have more of an impact. And if someone else says, and because you don’t have an agenda. And so we have a lot of needs and almost all my clients come in with unmet needs in the last, I think in the last five weeks I’ve taught RTT and Berlin.
In Spain in Miami and London and in LA and in every class, we will come on stage and I do a session. Then people see, wow, these are grownups for the same thing. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. I’m not important enough. I don’t matter. I’m working so hard to [00:39:00] find love. I mean, I have this beautiful guy in my class last week.
Just gorgeous ends, like the biggest smile. And he said, yeah, I’m working really hard to be perfect. And I said, you know, love is not to be earned. You don’t have to earn it or buy or chase the, or work for it. It’s just there to be received and given back, and you got to stop trying to be perfect and he’s waiting to be perfect.
You go on a day. It’s like, no dude, do that. You own a date just the way you are because. You can’t be perfect if you were, that would put a lot of people off, but it’s such a shame that the media shows you perfect images of perfect people. Then I look at Kim Kardashian and we think, why is Kim French to be a lawyer?
Which I liked very much because all that stuff. Doesn’t give her any sense of significance, but being a lawyer when she went to meet Donald Trump and campaigned for that guy in jail, she really went up in my [00:40:00] estimation because there’s that, oh, now you’re doing something worthwhile. So if people are going to look gorgeous and have so much money and so much staff and so much adulation, it’s not really yet.
I need to do something more. I know Shakira, I love the fact that she rescues dogs all over the world. I love the fact that Angelina Jolie is a humanitarian. I love the fact that a lot of people, you know, even Madonna having that children still in Malawi, not for Winfrey to having a, I believe her school is in.
If those be with everything they have is still out there doing something else it’s because they just like you and I, they go, well, what’s the purpose? What’s the point of my life. It’s not about having breasts up here and a tiny waist and a big Bart or a six pack and glossy hair. Perfect. Teeth is about saying, do I,
um, am I significant?
Do I matter? Do I have purposed or I have meaningful. Am I doing something that makes [00:41:00] me grow and contribute, make a difference. Cause that’s what makes you happy and your relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’re a size people, zero with a wardrobe, packed with Gucci that is not going to make you happy, but your relationships with people and feeling that you’re doing something significant is what will make you happy.
Absolutely. And I love what, you know, it will be everything you just said then about the big, the big butt and the high-stakes and the big breasts and all that sort of thing. It’s interesting. Isn’t it? Because.
Uh, that strive for perfection, as you talked about earlier, you know, you’re not, they’re not relatable, so you lose connection with, and connection and community is, um, you know, is everything.
So Marie’s done. I got to have thin size. In fact here. Does that mean I’m out of favor? No, you know, it’s not about the site. It’s not about the. What you are, has nothing to do with, another’s only your [00:42:00] birth certificate on the scales, in your clothes, the numbers of followers. You have a numbers of likes that.
So irrelevant. What matters is, you know, is you not the numbers? I mean, if we look it up and get, I love my friend, cause she’s the perfect size six. I love my friend because she’s got loads of followers. I love my friend because she’s younger than me and a better clothes size may mean no one loves their friends.
For that reason. We love our friends because they have imperfections and the basis of all friendship is we choose people. Who share how long ago, just when you don’t have it to have any, you’re going to be very low. Absolutely. And long time to learn that. So give me a long time to share,
uh, you know, parts of my past that previously I was really ashamed of or felt, um, it felt guilt around and now I realize that.
You know, I feel like that’ll happen to me because,
um, I, [00:43:00] it enables me to be a better teacher, a better guider so that we can say that those things have, have happened to us to teach us a lesson, to teach us something. We need to get something out of that. But of course, if your accounts are in AA, you can only be a counselor being an alcoholic because otherwise I don’t believe you can understand.
So I think most of us look back and think, yeah, I wouldn’t change any of my charter. That shaped me. It taught me who I am. It gave me this passion to help people. And if I’d had an idyllic childhood, I probably wouldn’t be doing what I do now. Knowing that feeling of feeling addressed and lost and unimportant and all alone and lonely was a real drive for me to fix it for myself.
And then to realize that I could help so many people who feel lonely in a drift and not enough. And that’s why I started the I’m in us movement. I’m very proud [00:44:00] of them that, you know, people,
right. Who would the Lord, you know, I have mine, I’m enough price. As I give away, I have my book. I have enough cushions and sleep masks and it’s really lovely.
And my new book is called, tell yourself a better line. And it’s the same thing. It starts off with. Could our greatest pain is caused by the lies we tell ourselves, no one’s going to love me no matter what I do, I can never lose where everything I touched falls and can’t. And you know, when you have to look at the lies we tell ourselves, and if you want to lie, which we all do every day.
The size of the house. I feel like I haven’t said I could eat or horse.
Um, I’m exhausted. I mean, these are all lies. Nobody could eat a horse. No one is the size of the house and we’ve probably not even exhausted, but just slightly dehydrate and time. But if you just tell yourself a better life, I can’t remember a thing.
I’d lose the eyes in my head if they weren’t screwed him up. Isn’t that a [00:45:00] lie? Ooh, she wouldn’t. I’m losing my shit. Come on. You’re out there in white Levi’s so you clearly can’t be losing your shit or you’d be wearing black ones. So if you’re going to tell yourself a better life, I’m amazing. I got great coping skills.
I have a great memory. I got a fantastic metabolic rate. I’m very lovable and everyone else is lovable too. I’m in. I’m enough, just the way I am on Lovell. Just though I am that if everybody woke up every day and said just these four things, I matter, I’m significant, I’m lovable. I’m enough. The world would change so much bullying and trolling disappear, being competitive and bitchy would disappear.
If we could only just do that every day. I matter I’m significant. I’m a lover. I don’t know if you have children or if you have children in your life, maybe you run little league or Scouts or preschool, or you’re a teacher. If you can have [00:46:00] all the children that are in your life where you impact say those words.
And I know it works because many schools writing and say, Hey, you know, we joined your I’m enough movement and bullying is just Stonewall. It’s really amazing. What’s happened at school in Spain to do you know, which of all the bullies and we made them salmon. I don’t even know why fried, but this is amazing because of course, don’t go, Hey, my life, so great.
Who can I diminish? Oh, I’ve got an amazing life. Who can I go and put down on social media now? You know, when we know that we’re enough, it’s wonderful. We feel not enough. We need so much more reset and. And so there’s so much you can do just having all your kids, drew pictures and having I’m enough from the fridge, having your kids say it every day.
It’s it’s strength is in its simplest, but also in its profound, honestly, because when you go home and God is really a goddess, because I’m not [00:47:00] really a rock star because we’re sharing apartment with three other guys, we haven’t even bought car.
It’s so true that the mind lets it and it doesn’t argue with it. It just lifts it in and we should all, especially if you have children in our lives, snap them say everyday. Oh, I couldn’t agree more. And what a beautiful way I could talk to you all day, Marissa, what a beautiful way. I think to close out this interview, I’m enough.
And I met her and actually I think you are a goddess and you are a rock star and I’m not lying, but I can’t wait for your seventh book. Tell yourself a bit a lie. Is there anything you can share with us about when it’s coming out or how to find it? It’s coming out in the first week of January, I’m doing a podcast called ally with Marissa.
So I’m going to take all these different people. Tell me the lie that they’ve been running their life by. I would love it in case it leaves. I I’m scared to getting pregnant in case I lose the [00:48:00] babies. I got to pretend, but it won’t warm, then it won’t hurt. And I go, yeah, but of course it hurts. If you get pregnant, don’t tell anyone.
And then if I lose the baby at work, her, it hurts more. You realized that you didn’t believe that you would ever carry that baby to full term. And so I’m going to have people come on every week, including the 10 people are in the book and talk about their line. I’ve got a, Sam is one of the people coming on my podcast because his story is amazing.
Sammy shoe rocks. It was left in a shoe box and cried for three days and could have said I was put in a shoe box to die. I’m worth nothing or could have said no, I had an inmate determination. I cried for three days. I was found I came to America, I got adopted. And now he goes back to the Philippines and helps other orphaned kids.
But, you know, it’s interesting that his life would have been so differently. He told himself alive. Nobody wanted [00:49:00] me. I didn’t matter. And, you know, you have to tell yourself a different, I was meant to be here. I came through those people, not from them and they probably weren’t equipped to deal, bring me up, but I’m having an amazing life.
One of my friends adopted a little girl from El Salvador. She was just in the street and she took her home. And that kid is so smart, but she always says we were meant to find each other, the stars aligned. And I found you when you found the. Just in that street waiting to be found on. I lost a lot of babies because you were the one I was meant to have.
She never, because I lost these babies. I’m so glad I lost those babies. Cause that was the baby I was destined to have. And I love that. And I will go. It says I’m so glad we found each other. She never comes up at mommy. I’m so glad you found me. Every nurse was I’m so glad we found each other. I found you, you found me and we complete each other and you know [00:50:00] it, when you tell yourself, have a better life.
Just coming from I’m stupid. Do I’m smart. I nervous. I’m excited. I’m going on a date. I’m excited. I’m going to give a tool. I’m excited. I’m going to print into I’m excited because nervous and excited are pretty much the same. You might as well say. I’m so excited as I’m absolutely terrified. I’m terrified.
My heart’s in my stomach. My memory is gone to pieces. It’s alive telling yourself a good life.
You are incredible. Thank you. Absolute pleasure. Thank you for sharing all of your gems and tips and tools and strategies. And I can’t wait to read your next book. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Well, please go to I’m enough. If you want to have some free bracelets and please go to Marissa pier.com because we have so [00:51:00] many free audios, we have them for money blocks or love blocks, health laws, wealth blocks, and they’re all completely free.
And if you want to find out how to track. And be an RTT therapist is the best job in the world. Cogent,
uh, T T here comes to this rtt.com. You want to do what I do? Marisa peer.com for tons of gray stone. And I’m enough if you want to join. Yeah. And some movement you should. Yes, absolutely. And your Instagram and your YouTube also phenomenon, but normal.
So everyone needs to go wherever and we will go there and check out more content. And thank you so much for the massive impact you have fast on the road. You really make such a difference. Thank you so much. And thanks for inviting me. It was lovely to meet you, sending you lots of that. Thank you.
Thank you so much for listening to our, so we are so thankful you are [00:52:00] here and we can’t do this show without you. And if you made it to the end of this episode, celebrate yourself because it means you are truly dedicated to feeling better in your health, in your career, in your relationships. And I am so proud of you.
And if you want more, Feel better now. So tune in every Monday, Wednesday for new episodes and you can subscribe. So you don’t miss out on all the guidance and any special bonus episodes. You could follow me on social media at Jackie Belker. And if you want the chance to have your question answered or be on a coaching call with me live, you can sign up at feel better.
institute.com/signup. Again, that’s feel better. Instant. Dot com slash signup. Siting out. See you next week. Jackie. Buh-bye