Welcome to Feel Better Now!
Can changing the words you use improve your relationships with yourself and others?
Storytelling and high-impact communication expert Sam Horn is on today’s episode to teach you how to do just that.
Words have the power to transform any situation. Today, you’ll be left with actionable tips to change your language for ultimate life satisfaction.
From “but” to “and,” you’ll discover that even the most simple of words have extraordinary strong consequences.
Today’s much-needed episode will change the way you speak and think forever!
Key Topics and Tips
- How to change your words to improve connectivity.
- Why you should drop the phrase “no problem” out of your vocabulary.
- Focusing on what you want vs. what you do not want.
- Breaking out of the “I’ll do it one day” cycle.
- Sam’s “four C’s” to making each day a good day.
- The most important qualities Sam sees in a leader.
Where You Can Find Sam Horn
“We can’t motivate people to do better by making them feel bad.” (7:59, Sam)
“The word problem means something’s wrong. And many of us use it habitually and we give people the impression something is wrong, even when there’s not.” (14:05, Sam)
“When we tell people what to stop doing, it never makes it better, It only imprints and perpetuates the dreaded behavior.” (18:00, Sam)
“If we are a coach instead of a critic, if we shape our behavior instead of shame it, if we learn from mistakes instead of lose face… we actually become closer to what we do want instead of what we don’t” (22:34, Sam)
“I believe that what we accept, we teach. And that if we are taking ourselves out of the story and if we are sacrificing ourselves in what we think is noble serving of others, we are modeling for the people around us that we do not count.” (24:48, Sam)
“If there was something meaningful and joyful and we put it off waiting for the perfect moment and that perfect moment never came… That is, and here’s the operative word, Jackie, a preventable regret.” (35:58, Sam)
“My mission is to help people feel better because we know that when people feel better, they want to live a life of service. They want to do meaningful work.” (40:35, Jackie)
14: Feel Better and Improve Relationships with Sam Horn
[00:00:00] Are we our own worst critic and most of us, we don’t do better when we feel bad. You know, we eat because we’re disappointed in ourselves or because we’re lonely. And then we’re disgusted with ourselves because we’ve eaten. So it’s a depressive cycle. If instead we give ourselves great. And we say, all right, that was one bad day.
And today I’m going to, it’s like, I’m going to give myself credit for this. If we are coach, instead of a critic, if we shape our behavior, instead of shame it, we learn from mistakes instead of lose face. And we actually become closer to what we do. Instead of what we don’t.
Hi there. Welcome to the field better now, podcast. I’m your host, Jackie Balca. And if you’ve arrived here, no, there is something in here to spark yourself to create a better future in your [00:01:00] health, in your. In your relationships, both yourself. And for those around you, just one small action step at a time with so much love and gratitude to be your guide.
Let’s get started.
Hey everyone. Jackie Becca, here I am psyched today to introduce you to my guests and friends, the incredibly talented Sam horn. She is the queen of storytelling and high impact communication. This is the stuff we need to learn in school. She is one plus act. Sam has three Ted talks, author of nine books.
And one on the way, including tongue food, which is now translated into 17 languages. Sam has coached some of the most accomplished leaders in the world, including executive producer of Oprah, Terry Jones, founder of Travelocity and kayak. Larry Lynch, [00:02:00] former executive director of the Disney Institute and was the executive director of the Maui writers conference for 17 years.
Sam has been featured in New York times on NPR taught to Intel, Cisco, Boeing, capital, one, NASA fidelity and Oracle. I don’t have enough time to talk about all of Sam’s amazing accolades. She is one beautiful person inside and out. She is a leader, assignee, light. Enjoy this meaningful chat about how to feel better through improving your relationship with yourself.
And with others, Sam shares practical strategies you can put in place right now, instead of someday, my favorite book occurs to upgrade yourself, listen in to find out how Sam is such a total rock star. I’m proud to call her my personal coach and my friend. She makes me a better person in Georgia. Welcome.
Welcome. Welcome to someone that is so dear to my heart, the [00:03:00] amazing Sam horn. It is so good to have you on the podcast today. Thanks for coming. You’re welcome, Jackie. I’ve really been looking forward to sharing some stories and some insights with your list. Oh, and stories. Can you tell you are the absolute master, which is a lovely tie into my first question?
So Sam, we wrote a fantastic quiz together. Your one of my most beautiful valued coaches. And that is the 10 question. How’s your energy quiz? Over 10,000 participants. Completed that quiz. And one of the questions is about being loved and being connected to at least two people. I was shocked to see. 43% of people were not feeling loved or connected to at least two people.
So given you are such a connectivity, Mazda3 stories, how can I use my words to improve connectivity? And we know connectivity is linked to vitality. And longevity you [00:04:00] are so right, Jackie, isn’t it ironic. We’re taught math and science and history in school. We’re not taught how to get along with people.
We’re not taught what to do when our child says, I hate you. You know, we’re, we’re not taught what to do when we come home from work and we’re tired and we’re stressed out and we’d bark at something and say something we regret, you know, we’re not taught what to do when we’re on the front lines, in our job.
And people take their anger and frustration out on. So if you like, we can jump right into some words, saloons were used, they can turn conflict into connection. Ready? Absolutely hit me with it. Okay. Now, unless people are driving in their car, I’m going to recommend that it gets some paper because you know that I helped start and run the Maui writers conference and all of our authors, including the great Bryce Courtney from Australia, they didn’t agree on anything except this.
You ready? When you think it. So if you get a piece of paper, put a vertical line down the center [00:05:00] and at the top of the left-hand column, put words to lose, and these words actually create conflict. They cause resentment and resistance. Over on the right put words to use, and these words create cooperation.
They actually can turn that resentment and resistance into rapport and receptivity and even respect you ready? We’re going to rock and roll. I tell a quick story, listen for the word that’s doing the damage. Okay. So I rented a car. Woman comes in and she says, I rented a minivan and the employee looks up.
Her record is so yes, we have your reservation, right? But we don’t have any minivans left. And she said, how can that be? I called weeks ago to reserve that cars as well. I know, but we have a new person on staff and back and forth. They went, when I left, they were still arguing because the employee was using a word.
And when we use this word, people do feel like we’re arguing with them. They’ll say it again louder next time. And you know what the word. But, [00:06:00] but just put that word, but over on the left and now hear what you’re saying, but we tried that before. It didn’t work. I know it’s important to you, but we don’t have time for it anymore.
Yes. We agreed to that. But circumstances have changed when we use that word, but we pit ourselves as adversaries as right or wrong over on the right. Please put the word ad. I hear what you’re saying. And we tried that before and it didn’t work out. And do you have any ideas on how we can do it differently?
I’m sorry that happened. And let’s figure out how we can keep it from happening again. The word and advances conversations, the word, but anchors it in an argument. Now you want to hear some more later. Okay. So I think that many of the people listening, either manage people in their work or their parents, or they’re in situations where they’re training people, uh, new hires, et cetera.
What do we do when someone makes a mistake? It’s so easy to tell. [00:07:00] The words are right there on the tip of their tongue, what they should have done, right. Well, you should have called if you were going to be late. Well, you shouldn’t have told me you didn’t know how to use that system. Well, you should have brought that up in the staff meeting.
If you didn’t understand how to do it, please put that word number two over on the left. Should. Because the woods should pertains to the past. Do you know anyone who can undo the past? People will resent us, even if we’re right, because they can’t do anything about it. We’re coming across as a critic and we are shaming their behavior.
So from now on what do we say when something goes wrong? Use the words next time from now on, in the future. Because if someone makes a mistake, if we say next time, if you do it this way from now on, if you’re going to be late, please give me a call. So I know you’re safe. And on your way home now we’re being a coach.
Instead of a critic, we are shaping behavior instead of shaming it, my dad used to tell me we can’t [00:08:00] motivate people to do. By making him feel bad and that word should makes people feel bad and it doesn’t show them how to do it better. So turn should and to next time or from now on or in the future. Sure.
Well, and I think people are always going to be feeling worse themselves. I mean, imagine how many times I’ve said to myself, I should have done that. I should have done this. I should’ve been a better mom this morning when I was grumpy. So I always find with my team. It’s interesting. Isn’t it? That dynamic with the team, with my team you’ve missed.
Fixing mess. And that was a really good lesson for me to hear, because then I felt empowered. I felt powerful because there’s no one that’s ever going to think the mistake was as big as they’re thinking about themselves. I don’t know. I didn’t say that very eloquently, but you know what I made, what are your thoughts on that?
Yeah. If you mess up fess up, right?
If you mess up the quicker, you’re accountable for it. I’m sorry. I really dropped the ball on that. I know I supposed to get that to you [00:09:00] yesterday and I had an emergency and I’ve got it for you. Thank you for your patience. When we mess up, if we fess up people, get what they want, which is accountability and action.
Not an excuse, right? Yes, absolutely. So true. We’re coming out of Valentine’s day here, Jackie. So would you like three words to get out of our marriage or out of our romantic relationship,
but I’ll tell you the business example and then how a surgeon had an epiphany, right. Because we had talked about over on the left, please put the words that you need to, or you have to, I was dealing with Kaiser Permanente and the woman who ran the front desk said, I realized, I order people around from the moment they walk in the door.
Well, you have to ask your doctor about that. Well, you need to take that to section G well, you need to get your blood work done. She said, no wonder people are rude to me. It’s because they feel like I’m in Boston. I’m around. So over on the [00:10:00] road, Put the words, if you would, or could you please, instead of, could you please ask your doctor that if you’ll take this to section G and have your blood work done now we’re treating people with courtesy.
Instead of giving them commands, there was a surgeon in the audience and he slapped his forehead like this, and he says, I’ve got some apologizing to do. He said in surgery, I am not going to be. Would you please pass the scalpel, right? Scalpel. And so there are situations where it’s absolutely appropriate emergency situations where we give orders and people jumped, right?
He said, no wonder the romance has gone out of my marriage because I go home and I treat my wife that way. It’s like, well, you need to take the dog to the vet this week. Well, you need to stop off and pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, you know, as well, you need to call your mom and let her know we can’t come this weekend.
And when we start ordering our partner around internally, that resistance in that resentment is growing. When we turn it into. [00:11:00] Could you please stop on the way home and pick up the dry cleaning. Do you have time to take the dog to the vet this weekend? Now we’re asking instead of commanding and the affection comes back in that relationship.
Oh, that is so beautiful. And it reminds me of conversations again, I have with my team because we all create these days with a lot of technology. So we use a communication tool called slack. So it’s just so fast. And so I think we’ve forgotten these pleasantries. Could you please and please, and thank you.
In fact, I’m very much guilty of this and I want to get better. Sometimes I’ll get a text message from my parents and it just says, please, and thank you. Lift them out of the request. And now we have this running joke. It’s like, please do these please. And thank you. And it’s so low. Yeah, Jackie. It’s really interesting though, because as you know, all the statistics and the studies are coming back, that people are feeling isolated.
They’re feeling disconnected. That incivility is on the [00:12:00] rise. Rudeness is getting worse, you know, the great resignation, et cetera. And we’re so time pressure. We think we don’t have time for niceties or pleasantries, and yet, you know what, it takes a few seconds to open and close, cold communication with warm words, you know, thank you for circling back to me.
Uh, you know, I look forward to seeing you next week. I really appreciate you bringing this to my attention. I’m so glad we have this opportunity to work together where it’s like, glad, appreciate look forward. Grateful warm up a communication and they are not a waste of time. They’re an investment in time and a mutually respectful relationship.
I love that so much. It reminds me of a conversation that I heard about the words. No problem, which it is a way to connect and. Used as much in America as it is in Australia. I certainly have found [00:13:00] myself using it so much. Talk to me about the words. No problem. I am so glad you brought that up. A woman came up to me after a tongue Fu workshop and she said, do you ever add words to your word, saloons and words to use?
I said all the time, what you got. Please add this word. It causes so many problems. I said, great. What’s the word? She said, that’s the word I said, no, what’s the word that causes the problems then? Yes. I felt like I was out who’s on first, you know? And I finally said, what’s the word that causes the problem.
She said problems. She said, my husband and I own a flower. Everything is a problem. We have morning staff meetings, you know, to figure out our day and guess what he says at the end of the meeting. Any other problems we need to talk about? One of our employees makes a request. He says, sure, I don’t have a problem with that.
If someone comes up and says, can I talk to you about something? He sure what’s the problem. And she said, one of our employees gave him a compliment. The other day. She said, I’ve only been here six months. I’ve learned so [00:14:00] much. I really want to preach. Guess what he said, no problem. And now the word problem means something’s wrong.
And many of us use it habitually and we give people the impression, something is wrong, even when there’s not. So over on the left, we put that word problem. And over on the right, it’s just any word that doesn’t mean something’s wrong. So people come up and say, can I do. But something. Sure. What’s on your mind.
What would you like to talk about wrap up meetings with, instead of any other problems we need to discuss? What else do we need to discuss? Anything else you want to bring up? If someone comes to you and makes a request and sort of, I don’t have a problem with that. You’re welcome to do that. Yes. Please run with that.
And boy. If someone gives us a compliment say thank you. That means so much to me. I really put a lot of time and effort in on that. I really [00:15:00] appreciate it. When people take the time to give me feedback or you’re welcome or happy to, or anytime my pleasure compliment the complimenter right. Instead of dissing them with no problem, no worries.
Which infers that there was something wrong with doing that? Yes. I love that. So many ways, Sam, it immediately, uplevels the vibration and raises the vibration to move towards the frequency of love. And it’s so beautiful. It’s reminding me of something else I do, which is at the end of an email or a communication often I’ll say, let me know any questions or concerns.
So should I drop that or concerns? I would drop concerns. Because you’re an athlete. You’re married to an athlete it’s over on the left, put words that focus on what we don’t want, because I had the privilege of working with good old rod labor from Australia. And we used to put on national tennis camps at Hilton head island in South [00:16:00] Carolina.
So after a particularly busy. Of March with the heritage golf, classic and so forth. Rocket offered to hit with me as a reward. Now as a decent tennis player, I was a four or five tennis player I’m never in a million years. Could it be rocket? He’s making me work for it. He’s running me right. Running me, left running me back, brings me up.
He throws up a week log. If I put this away, I’m going to take a point off rocket. And in my eagerness, I commit the Cardinal sin of overheads. Do you know what that is? I pulled my head down, you know, I keep my head up, looking at the ball. I look where I was going to put the ball. Well, I didn’t miss hit the ball.
I missed the mall. I, with the whole thing, you know what, and I kind of lost it is that, that was a stupid mistake. I should’ve known better than that. I know to keep my head. And finally he beckoned me over to the net and he said, Sam, Champion’s focus on what they do want, not what they don’t think about it.
They don’t say double fault. They say, get the [00:17:00] first serve in. They don’t say stop hitting off the back foot. They say step into it. And. We say, don’t forget no. Over on the right. What do we want? Please remember, stop interrupting me, please. Let me finish. Don’t be late, please be early so I can hardly express the important.
Put the word stop on the left because if we’re telling people stop being so grumpy, stop complaining all the time. If we tell kids, stop whining, guess what we’re going to get. We’re going to get more of the very behavior we don’t want. I went for a walk this morning by a neighborhood part. There was a mom with her, two kids.
Guess what she was saying? Jackie? Stop throwing rocks. So a minute later they’re still throwing rocks. So what does she do? She gets louder. I said to stop throwing rocks. What do they do? And finally she said, I’ve had it. We’re leaving. The kids are crying. She’s [00:18:00] upset when we tell people what to stop doing.
It never makes it better. It only imprints and perpetuates the dreaded behavior. So over on the right, instead of stop throwing rocks, no. What do we want? Put the rocks down and come over to the slide. Instead of stop hitting your sister, give your sister space instead of stop complaining, let’s focus on how we can fix.
If we do that one thing as a result of this, we are going to immediately improve our communication because we’re shaping what we do want instead of shaming and perpetuating what we do. I love that so much, Sam, as you know, I’m a big fan of asking for what you want. And I like to talk about that. We’re in this don’t want epidemic.
If you take it back to what’s actually happening scientifically the mind, doesn’t understand the words don’t count. I love your tip and which I think is so powerful. It’s what the [00:19:00] word don’t want. Can’t we stop because I think it’s super effective. And what I teach is what happens when you tell a child not to touch a hot stove.
And so, and I find them, the penny drops. And so then we can change the don’t wants to what we want instead. I love that. I love you a rock throwing story. Cause I think we can all, you put us in a story, right. Being a mom and having kids throw rocks. So we talked about, but should you need to a and problem, is there anything else you want to add to that?
There’s another one, especially because we’ve shared several parenting stories, is that please put on the left can’t because, because often people will make a request and we say, oh no, you can’t do that because, or no, we can’t do that because. Over on the right. Please put the words can as soon as Han right after, because when we tell people what they can’t do, they see us as blocking them from [00:20:00] what it is they want.
It’s like a verbal door slamming in their. If instead we say, yes, you can. Can we start this meeting? Well, no, we can’t because everyone’s not here yet. Yes. We can start the meeting as soon as we have a quorum. And if everyone’s not here yet in five minutes, we’re going to start anyway. You know, it’s like, can I talk with Joe?
No, you can’t. He’s out sick today. Yes. You can talk with Joe he’s out today. Would you like to leave a message or call back tomorrow? You know, there was a woman and she said, this is going to change the way I. She said, I’m a single mom. I have three kids under the age of 10. It seems like all I ever do is tell them no mom, can I play with my friends?
No, you can’t because you haven’t done your homework. Mom, can I watch TV? No, you can’t because you haven’t done your chores. And then she would often do what’s called stacking. You know, the rules around here, that TV doesn’t go on until those chores are finished. Look at that room. Look at that trash. How many times do I have to tell you?
What are you going to start listening to me? And we’re often running, right? Look what happened. [00:21:00] Instead of, no, you can’t play with your friends because you haven’t done your homework. How can we turn that around? Sure. You can play with your friends as soon as you finish your homework and do your math. Let me have a look at it.
Then you can shoot hoops. Yes. You can watch TV right after you do your chores. Pick up your room, take out the trash. And she was the one who said. This isn’t semantics. This changes the whole dynamic of the relationship because instead of seeing me as keeping them from what it is they want, now who’s in charge of getting what it is they want.
They are absolutely. This is why I love your meaningful work, Sam, because I think when people think about how to feel better, they immediately will probably usually criticize themselves because they’re not eating right. They’re not moving enough. Maybe they’re not doing any yoga, but it’s so much more than that.
One of our seven feel better factors is relationships. And so it’s such an important [00:22:00] discussion about. These critical tips that you’re sharing to connect better with other people. Well, isn’t it. And it’s with others and with ourselves, and as you said, are we our own worst critic? And most of us, we don’t do better when we feel bad.
You know, we eat because we’re disappointed in ourself or because we’re lonely. And then we’re disgusted with ourselves because we’ve eaten. So it’s a depressive cycle. If instead we give ourselves grace, And we say, all right, that was one bad day. And today I’m going to, it’s like, I’m going to give myself credit for this.
If we are a coach, instead of a critic, if we shape our behavior, instead of shame it, we learn from mistakes instead of lose face. And we actually become closer to what we do want instead of, well, we don’t. Oh, absolutely. And it’s so powerful and empowering. And when you feel good, you attract more of what you want, which is to [00:23:00] feel better and better and better, which is what our whole brand is about.
Isn’t it. I want to talk about one. Favorite books of yours some days, not a day of the week, kudos to you, Sam. It’s just so meaningful. And so brilliant. Another question in our survey that we saw, which just breaks my heart is that we’re now seeing 56% of people don’t have a positive outlook on life that they aren’t grateful.
Daily. So this is connected to doing meaningful work. Talk to me about your concept of someday. You know, it’s Paulo Coelho said that one day, we’re going to wake up and there won’t be any time left to do the things we’ve always wanted to do. And when I took off on my year by the water and I interviewed people around the world, you know, I asked, are you happy?
And if so, Y so, and if not, why not? And I met so many people who were delaying their dreams because they thought it was [00:24:00] irresponsible. They thought the responsible thing to do was to take care of their family and to work at a job they hated and to kind of get through the days because some days. They were going to be able to get back into sports, or they’re going to be able to pick up photography or resumed their music or something like that.
And that’s a prescription for regret. Always. You remember there was a young man in his thirties. Uh, he and his wife both worked full-time they had two children with special needs. And when I asked him what his dream was, do you know what he told me? I don’t dream anymore. It’s too painful. And it was seven days a week and he, he just didn’t even dream anymore because it seemed unfeasible.
It seemed like it wasn’t realistic for his life. I believe that what we accept, we teach and that if we are taking ourselves out of the story, and if we are sacrificing ourselves [00:25:00] in what we think is noble serving of others. We are modeling for the people around us that we do not count. And that I think what we want to model is that we do matter and that we do take responsibility for having at least one thing in our life that lights us up and that it’s not selfish.
It’s smart. And you want a great story about that clays? Well, as you know, in the Sunday book, there is a happiness quiz, right? And the idea is we want to be realistic. You know, this young man full-time job, two children with special needs. There’s not going to be a whole scale change in his life. That is unrealistic.
However, for him to identify one thing that he and his wife can do every week to have what’s called ETA. Icky guy is a Japanese term for reason to wake up in the morning, a purpose, something to look [00:26:00] forward to what is one thing a week that you could look forward to? So if you would like after the podcast, we can make available through you.
That quiz takes four minutes and it can help people figure it out. What that one thing is. So when I was interviewing this young man, I said, what would be that one thing? And he said to go back on dates with my wife, you know, we never have any time just for us. And we don’t have a lot of money. So we can’t afford even to hire a babysitter, to come in and take over our kids.
And they need to be able to handle kids with special needs, et cetera. So we kept brainstorming. And what we came up with is that they were actually close with neighbors who lived down the street, who also had a child with special needs. So they started swapping date night. So this Friday night, it was time for you to take care of your two kids and your neighbor’s kid while they went out.
And the next [00:27:00] Friday, it was your turn. And now Jackie, here are the rules. They had to do something new and it had to cost under $50 and you love it because, you know, they didn’t have a big budget. As you know, there’s a lot of wonderful things you can do for free. Right. And the surprise element is that first it was his turn to plan a surprise date night.
Next time it was her turn. So they looked forward to it because they didn’t know what to expect. It was always new. It brought them back together as a couple and it compensated. For the rest of the week where they really were just taking care of responsibilities, they love their children and they were appreciated their work.
However, life is not meant to be a Drudge. It’s meant to be a blessing and we can take responsibility for that. Oh, absolutely. I love that story so much. And it reminds me of a quote that you shared, which was, she was twice blessed. She [00:28:00] was happy and she knew it so beautiful. And Jackie does. That’s why I created the someday.
Along with the book. Is that what we’re talking about is we know that this is the age of the great resignation and with COVID and the pandemic and people being isolated, it’s been very challenging. People have lost, loved ones. They’ve lost jobs in the face of that. Some people may think happy is off the table.
You know, that’s not even on my radar screen right now, so let’s take away the word happy. Let’s just once again, talk about what is one thing that makes us feel good, feel better,
you know, and it could be Dale Carnegie said to live in day tight competitor. I believe in living in day, right compartments. And if we take five minutes every morning to write down three things that we’re grateful for, I have what I call my four CS and it’s [00:29:00] connect, contribute, clean and cavort. And what I know.
Is that I can’t control everything. I can control these four things. And if I do these four things every day, at the end of the day, when I look back, I feel it was a good day. So connect who is one person I’m going to connect with? It could be, you know, my sister, it could be a friend I haven’t talked with in 10 years.
It could be somebody I met at an event and we promised we’d follow up and I never did. So who’s one person I’m going to connect with the second country. What is one thing I’m going to do today to add value, to feel that I’m doing something that’s meaningful and it could be writing a blog, it could be doing a consult or a presentation, or it could be thinking of someone who’s in time of need and doing something that would surprise them and let them know that they’re cared for and loved for.
And clean is, this is right in alignment with you, Jackie. I know that if I’m eating clean, which is[00:30:00]
Clean for me is lean green and protein. And if I am eating lean green and protein, I feel clean. I feel energetic. I feel that nutritionally, I am taking responsibility for my health and I can do that. Right. I have choices. And then COVID. Now a lot of people talk about working out. A lot of us work out already a lot, you know?
So instead of seeing exercise just as working out or like getting my pulse rate up or sweating or seeing it as strenuous or efforting. Cohort is joyous movement. So tick knock Han said walk as if your feet are kissing the earth. So I may go for a walk and I may not be getting my heart rate up to one 50.
However, I am forced bathing Shinran Yoku right. I am absorbing the nature and I’m listening to the birds and I’m. [00:31:00] Smelling the flowers and the fresh air, and I’m feeling the sun on my skin. And that to me is what cavorting is about. And if I can do that even for five or 10 minutes a day, I feel like I’m making the most of my days instead of just rushing through.
Oh, absolutely. I think it’s a really important concept too, about the things that bring you joy and the heart rate conversation, just bringing it back to science. You know, I’m a scientist and I just love the data that, that beautiful saying you just put me in where you were when your feet were kissing the earth and that joy, that, that brought you.
Actually doing on the inside, there’s a beautiful information, super highway between the gut and the brain called the Vegas nerve. And as you know, that what is actually happening is that you are moving yourself from a position of being in a stress state, a sympathetic state to a parasympathetic state, a relaxed state.
So from fight or flight to rest and restore, and that is linked to. [00:32:00] People feeling better losing weight, improving metabolic health, compared to the research that shows when you do get your heart rate up. And I’m not saying it’s not good to do it because it absolutely is good to get your heart rate up for a short period of time, a few times a week, but they have also shown where if you are doing a lot of exercise where you are getting your heart rate up, you’ve also been shown to be eating 10% more that day.
So, you know, I think we just have to continue to bring us back to what helps us feel. Better because you’re doing a spin class that I haven’t done one for about 35 years. You makes you feel terrible. So don’t do it. You know, in functional medicine, we get people to, well, I get people to write a line down the middle of the page and we talk about the thyroid and we write the things that we enjoy doing.
That’s on the left, on the right side of the page. We write the things that we don’t enjoy doing and the protocol. Do more of what is on the left and do less of what’s on the right. And what’s on the right. Might be emptying the dishwasher and what’s on the [00:33:00] left. Might be what you just described going out or hugging a tree or swimming.
I know you love swimming. And so it’s so interesting, isn’t it? Because we can actually tie it back to physiology. So Jackie, what did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Tell me, make me one with everything. So see, we’re talking about a flow state, right? Where we’re one with what we’re doing. And for some people it’s playing the piano or playing the tar and losing themselves.
For some people at swimming and the essential experience of the water on the skin. You know, one of the things that does that for me is writing Gertrude Stein said, when I am writing, I am doing the thing I was born to do. So what is something when we do it and we feel I was born to do this, it brings us that joy.
It immerses us in that flow state where we’re one with what we’re doing, it’s exquisite. And it really is something. If we identify it. [00:34:00] And we do more of it. We will feel better. Yes. And what I love about someday is it talks about the concept of don’t put it in the perpetual future. Do it. Now, when, when I was young, I remember saving all of my perfume and it used both him now because of all the chemicals.
But I remember having all these. Expensive perfume. And they were just full bottles. My mum was exactly the same full bottles. They’re probably $600 of perfume there and they just sat there until they went off. So it’s like, what I teach my children now is use it. Now, my son, he’s got a stack of brand new shoes in these white boxes.
We had to buy the box for the shoe and then we had to buy their insert too. So the shoe didn’t cover. And he doesn’t wear any of this. I don’t know if you can relate from when your kids were young, but I was like, play the shoes. Now don’t worry. If they get dirty, you mommy can wash them, like, is experience the joy now.
And [00:35:00] that, you know, like his thing six months ago, it was shoes it’s changed now, but it’s a beautiful thing to connect. What brings you joy? Is it. I wrote about this. And my granddaughter is a walking, talking, dancing example of this because she’s into everything princesses. And so last summer we went to a farm where you could pick your own vegetables and fruits.
So there we are on a hayride. And there we are going to the potato field and Natalia is in a princess dress. So the name of this is where your princess dress to the potato field, because there she was plucking corn, picking potatoes and cantaloupes and watermelons and so forth. It’s just that you are so right.
Is that. Many of us have something in the closet that princess dress, or we’re going to wear on our birthday, right. Once a year, right. Or the, the, the linen that our parents gave us or the crystal or the fine silver or something. And once again, at the end of our life, when we look back. If there was something [00:36:00] meaningful and joyful and we put it off waiting for the perfect moment and that perfect moment never came.
That is, and here’s the operative word jockey a preventable regretted. We can get it out of the drawer, out of the closet and wear it. Now, use it tonight, share it today. And we are getting the joy from that, the flow of that now, and all the quotes in the book, you know, John legend said. The future is already here and we are already late.
Michael Altshuler said the bad news is time flies. The good news is we’re the pilot. We’re the pilot. Jackie. It’s just so true. So if I was your daughter. What is a lesson you would want me to know? Wow, good question. Well, I would share with my daughter, the advice I gave my sons, when they went [00:37:00] off to college, they both, our Hokies went to Virginia tech.
So I tried to distill. Hokey. I know it’s like, oh, what, there are a hokey, believe it or not is kind of a Turkey, but the Virginia tech Hokies and you have not lived until you’ve been to Blacksburg, Virginia with 60,000 people in that stadium, all stomping to Sandman, which is the hokey battle song or something like that.
So, okay. So here’s the. I thought, okay. If I could only pass along two things, I’ve learned that I hope they carry forward. What is one? And one is from Charles Bukovsky, who said time races by like wild horses over the Hills. And I said, if you are ever in the midst of a special moment, Stop and look around and imprint it because if you imprint it, you can [00:38:00] revisit that experience 10 or 20 or 30 years from now.
And it will be just as vivid queen. Elizabeth said, good memories are our second chance at happiness. So if we imprint special moments, we get to live them twice, thrice, four times, many more times. And the other one. Is from my dad. And when I was trying to decide what to study in college, everyone was telling me I should be a doctor, a lawyer to use my mind, and I didn’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer.
I wanted to study recreation administration. I had grown up playing sports. I thought that this was a way to do something I loved. And some people were saying, what a joke career that was, are you going to study underwater basket weaving? And, and so he shared the. It’s also often attributed to Gerda it’s from w H Murray about boldness has genius in it.
And that when we make a decision, Providence moves too, [00:39:00] and that all sorts of things happen that would never have happened otherwise. And he said, Sam, if you’re at a crossroad and you can’t decide what to do, take mobile. Oh, wow. I love that so much. I would combine that with done is better than perfect.
And if you think about making that bold decision and having the courage and then how good that makes you feel coming back to what makes you feel better? It just becomes this snowball effect. Doesn’t it? As you know, Jackie, I have the privilege of working with a lot of people on their TEDx talks to their books or whatever.
And it’s like books in your head help no one stories in your head to help no one someone is suffering from imposter syndrome. Well, who am I? You know, I’m not perfect. You know, I don’t have a PhD, et cetera is just to stop asking those questions and ask [00:40:00] yourself with someone reading my. Benefit with someone hearing this talk benefit with someone taking this course benefit.
If someone would benefit from getting our ideas or insights or knowledge or works of art out in the world, then not only do we have a right to do it. We have a responsibility to do it because it doesn’t help anyone sitting up here. It only helps people when we get it out of our head, out of our heart, off our laptop and into the world.
Sam, I love that so much, you know? My mission is to help people feel better because we know that when people feel better, they want to live a life of service. They want to do meaningful work. And it’s just, it’s such a beautiful thing to, to do that. So thank you for sharing that it’s such a class act. Sam, you know, you’re an absolute gift doing so much meaningful work, and you’ve worked with leaders and executive [00:41:00] directors and CEOs of some of the biggest companies in the world.
Is there a common thread that you see in these leaders? Yeah. To set this up is that I’ll always be grateful to my college philosophy professor, because the very first day of class, he said, okay, we’re going to study Plato and Socrates and Aristotle. He said, but first you’re going to come up with your philosophy.
He said, isn’t that something, it was astounding. So he said, okay. So, so I want you to work on it this week. And next week I want each of you to share your 100 word or less philosophy, your mission. What you want to do with your life? So I really thought about it and I came up with it. My purpose is to make a positive difference for as many people as possible while maintaining a happy, healthy, grateful lifestyle with friends and family.
And, you know, Jackie, I created that thanks to him decades ago, and I haven’t changed the words. And it has been my north star [00:42:00] all of these years. Now we circle back to your question, the people, I think everyone, it’s not just the people I’m privileged to work with. We really do want to know that we are making a difference and that our life matters.
And the good news is. Each of us have the opportunity to do that somewhere. We’ve learned something. Somehow we do something that would be a shortcut for others. If we share it, then they don’t have to learn it the hard way through trial and tear learning. Or if we share it, it’s going to expedite it. It may be it’s going to help them get a job or it’s going to help them be a better parent or a better leader.
So the river that runs through everyone, not just the people I work with is that. All right, what am I good at? And how can I contribute it for good so that it’s serving others and not just myself. That’s wonderful. I think you’re right. We’re spiritual beings in this human existence. So there’s something that we can do to make a difference.
I [00:43:00] love that so much. So in light of that, what is something that you’re personally working on yourself now? Well, personally and professionally personally is that I had a little about with the virus and I got pneumonia afterwards, and it was a wake-up call. And Pema Chodron says that nothing ever really goes away until it teaches us what we need to learn.
So see, I don’t want that to happen again. I value my life. I feel very grateful for my life. So instead of just saying it, I’ve got to show it. And so that means going to the gym with my son three times a week, it means getting out for walk talks the other four days a week, it means eating lean green and clean and protein.
So that is one thing that I’m working on personally. It’s once again, showing that I value my health, not just saying. And professionally, my tongue Fu book has been out in the world. Now, can you believe it for 25 years, [00:44:00] I’m updating it. It’s been published in 17 languages. It was the number three book in South Korea.
And the new version of it is called talking on eggshells because these days, you know, incivility is on the rise and rudeness is getting worse. And often we do not know what to say. So this book is what to say when you don’t know what. Oh, that is brilliant. I can’t wait. And I know that it’ll be out next year, so yeah, that’s so exciting.
And tongue food, if anyone hasn’t read it, it’s just the life skills and that you’re right. Like we should have been, um, it’s hot. I think it’s easier to apply it to other people. My daughter and I, she was very upset because she took her toy a Teddy bear. Huh? And she came into my room crying and about nine o’clock at night, and I said, what’s wrong?
And she held the bear and she said, oh, I took this bear and Ms. Fritchman’s going to be really upset at me. She’s going to be furious. And I said, [00:45:00] Oh, my goodness, you know, and we talked it through and so we crafted a story that she would go in the next day and apologize for taking the bear and why she didn’t want the bed to be lonely at night.
And just explain you should have asked. And so now you’ve taught me. What I could have said is next time I will ask. And it’s just the, it’s the play on words. Isn’t it. But if we can practice it ourselves and get. Neuro-plasticity making new neural connections and then pass that onto our future generation.
The vote is going to be a much better place. We’re talking about grace. Aren’t rejecting, you know, we’re talking about thinking before we speak and saying something that gives grace. And I can speak from experience that one of the most rewarding experiences in life is when your children learn it from you and they start teaching it to your children.
I was in New York couple years ago and hero was probably about one and a half. And so we’re sitting in the living room getting caught up [00:46:00] and he wrote crawls over to a guitar. That’s on a guitar stand there and he pulls himself up and he starts banging on the street. Now making Andrew could have said stop banging on the strings, right.
Or they could have yanked the guitar away, or they could have yanked hero away. All of which would have made that a dramatic, traumatic experience. Right. Instead, do you know what Andrew said? One word. Gentle. And he wrote paused and he looked at him and then he reached over and he went pop, pluck, pluck.
There were bells right above it. And he went ring, ring, ring, strong, strong, strong. Ring ring, ring, and Jackie, he made music, one word transformed that experience and focused on what they wanted instead of what they didn’t want. And, you know, little [00:47:00] hero is a musician today. And I think that it came back that pivotal experience.
Words matter. Thank you so much. And hero learnt it from Andrew and Andrew learnt it from you. So kudos to use them for doing such meaningful work with so many people, including your beautiful family and friends, that you’ve got so many amazing creations in your nine books. Soon to be 10. Your LinkedIn profile is incredible every week you put.
More stories and pros that always shift me. They always upgrade me, which I love so much. So thank you for what you put out in the world, what adventure you embarking on. You know, that talking on eggshell book will be out and the beginning of 2023. So look for it next February. And I don’t want to wait.
Jackie. One of the themes, the river that ran for our conversation was don’t put things off. So instead of waiting for the book to come out before sharing some of these stories, I get to integrate. [00:48:00] Well all the time, people on the frontline, you know, how do you keep your cool when other people aren’t, you know, what do you say when you’re being blamed for something that’s not your fault?
What do you say? If someone accuses you of something that’s not true. So on a weekly basis in my newsletter, I always start with a real life story, put people in the scene of something that actually happened. They can relate to. How could we handle it with more grace with more diplomacy? How could we respond with respect?
So other people are motivated to respond in kind. So if people go to LinkedIn and check out Sam horn, hopefully they will find those posts. Interesting. And they’re welcome to share those. With their family and with their team to get even more value from them and to feel better, feel better. Yes. Oh, well you are an absolute pleasure.
I feel so privileged to have had this conversation with you today, Sam, I feel better. You’ve made my day. Thank you so much for coming on the show. You know, you’re welcome. Katherine Graham of the [00:49:00] Washington post said to do what you love and feel that it might. How could anything be more fun? Well, the only thing is more fondness to do what we love and feel it matters and get to do it with people we enjoy and respect.
And that’s what we just had a chance to do. So here’s to having Katherine Graham careers. Yes. Thank you. Well, if you made it to the end of this episode, celebrate yourself because it means you are truly dedicated to feeling better in your health, in your career, in your relationships. And I am so proud of you.
And if you want more. I feel better now. So tuning every Monday for new episodes and join our community on Instagram at Jackie Belper for all the behind the scenes action and more. Hey, why don’t you sign up for a chance to have your question firstname.lastname@example.org. Sign up. That’s feel better.
institute.com/sign up. But most of all, [00:50:00] police keep reaching to feel better because the world needs you to feel good. So you can share that very special gift that only you have. So with that said, see soon here’s to feeling better. Now bye-bye Jackie Bowker.
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